The Art of Maintaining Emotional Wellness in Relationships
The art of maintaining emotional wellness in my relationships
Life seems blessed and sorted when you have your family by your side. The relationships we hold by blood and after marriage are our biggest support system, our constant sources of love. But situations arise where our interactions with family members lead to misunderstanding, resentment, conflict, and mental agony. People who were so close to us ended up behaving like strangers, bringing distressful situations in life. I will share something I experienced closely in life that hampered my emotional well-being and how I survived to bring wellness into my life through 2 stories.
Story 1: Monika and Raj – Emotional wellness with New Relations for acceptance
Monika and Raj, meet each other through a common friend. They realized that they had a future ahead together as a couple. Life appears like a fairytale when you fall in love for the first time. Despite being practical in life, Monika was not aware when she started weaving the dreams of a happily ever after life with the man in her life. She remained in a dreamy state during her courtship days. Monika failed to smell the emotional complexity of the new relations she was supposed to embrace while entering a new family. Neither Raj nor Monika predicted the emotional roller coaster ride waiting for them.
From the start of courtship to settling in life, it was 5 long years. During this time, Raj and Monika both experienced a lot. Both witnessed the changing faces of the people so dear to them. Few relations started showing the dark side and made Monika feel that choosing a partner of choice is a crime. A moment arrived, when Raj and Monika, mutually decided to give a pause to their relationship. Well, it was not a breakup or separation. It was just a pause to cope with the emotional trauma they faced and to come out stronger to take things in their confidence.
They never wanted to go against their families to settle in life. Monika never expected things to be so bad, breaking her from within. Both of them got devasted mentally. The reasons not to agree to the marriage were hilariously stupid. Although both are Bengalees, their ancestral origins were from different parts of Bengal.
Women from the eastern part of the undivided Bengal, now Bangladesh, were considered bold, independent, and more courageous to take up challenges.
The women of Western Bengal, now West Bengal, were considered protective, typical homemakers with no urge to be independent and working ladies. They never faced such situations where they needed to step out to support their family financially. The story remained completely different for the women of East Bengal because of the historic partition. Unfortunately, Monika’s great-grandparents and parents experienced the bitter taste of this partition.
On the other hand, Raj’s parents were from western Bengal and held the typical mindset that daughters-in-law should do all the household and stay dominated by the male members of the family.
Women empowerment, supportive wives, and women’s say in the family were something that Monika witnessed in her family. She saw her parents consulting each other before making any major decisions in life. Even her grandfather was so modern in his time. The choice of food, cooking style, likes and dislikes, way of observing life, and many other things remained different in both families. Monika’s mother was a working lady, and all her parental aunts were working too. She never saw other than her maternal aunts as housewives. Even today, she finds it hard to accept the concept of housewives.
A few years passed, and Monika was now working with a leading Private bank, and Raj was working with a startup Technology firm. Monika’s parents were now pressuring her to get married as they felt it was high time to settle and wished to look for the ideal groom for her. In these years, Raj and Monika stayed connected without letting anyone know. But now a decision needs to be taken as both want to start their family as a couple and earn enough to manage their expenses. Raj disclosed for the second time about their relationship with family and faced the wildest mental torture. He was threatened by his father. His father said that he would not get a share of parental property and would get rusticated from his family for a lifetime. Raj’s parents said, that he would be declared as “Tajjo Putra”, of the family. They thought it would be enough to stop Raj from marrying Monika.
When Monika shared her willingness only to marry Raj, her father, who was not against the relationship, took a U-turn. It happened all because of the behavior of Raj’s parents. Monika’s father was scared. He was scared of what would happen to his daughter if she got married to that boy.
None of the families were ready now to make the relationship official. They misunderstood that the couple would finally go for a breakup. But, this time, Monika and Raj came well-prepared to make the marriage happen.
After hearing from both families, they sit face-to-face with their respective families. Raj, asked a few questions to his father and so did Monika to her father.
1. What happiness will you get seeing me unhappy with a girl /boy of your choice as my wife/husband?
2. What makes you believe I will be happy if married to a boy/girl of your choice?
3. What will happen if I go against you and marry the girl/boy of my choice? What will you lose or gain?
4. What If I refuse to marry anyone in life? Will that make you happy?
5. Give me reasons to avoid marrying the girl/boy of my choice.
6. What’s wrong with marrying a working girl who can support me emotionally and financially? (Raj)
7. I witnessed you (Dad) several times having verbal fights with Mom since childhood. You had an arranged marriage, so why this conflict with Mom? (Raj)
8. If I move out and marry him/her, will that not affect each one of our emotional and social well-being?
The questions appeared to be difficult for both families to answer. They realized that separating them would lead to emotional breakdown for both families and affect the wellness of the young couples. The families understood nothing could stop Raj and Monika from getting married, and it was better to accept the relationship for peace and harmony in life. Finally, the wedding happened in the presence of two families, friends and relatives.
The characters Raj and Monika are very close to me. I also experienced the emotional traumas that they underwent in my love life.
Before marriage, I also used to get annoyed with my married friend’s discussions. They used to discuss their discord with in-laws, especially Mother-in-law. For me, it appeared silly to even give importance to such things in life. Today, when I look back, I regret and understand that my thought process on married life was incorrect.
How do we manage to establish emotional wellness with both families to become one? It was through the investment of time and communication, just the way Raj and Monika did for their relationship.
Communication is the key to success- We all know that. Quality conversations are a must to strengthen any relationship. For that, we need an investment of time. Me and my husband gave our relationship the time to become sure of how confident we are of each other as partners. We invested time to make acceptance easy for both families about the relationship. The conversation with parents, with the inclusion of logic and reality, helped us manage our emotional wellness in the relationships in our lives. Several personal stories of the past came into the limelight which made Raj’s parents think, that Monika would not be the right choice for the family. Things turned out better with a healthy conversation. After marriage, we also ensure that we invest time in talking about and learning about each other and our families.
Story 2- Samarpita and Sandipan – Managing emotional wellness with Mother-In-Law
Before marriage, Samarpita got posted in Kolkata, and Sandipan was working with a Delhi-based IT firm. Monika stayed back with his in-laws in Kolkata before applying for her official transfer to Delhi to settle down with her husband. She was aware of it before marriage, but Samarpita’s Mother-In-law was unhappy with the decision. She wanted her son to look for a job in Kolkata and stay with them, along with his wife.
Career prospects were better for both Samarpita and Sandipan in Delhi. Sandipan decided to settle permanently in Delhi. After spending 2 months with the in-laws, Samarpita got transferred to Delhi. It was not taken well by Sandipan’s mom. She said the plan was all set by Samarpita to stay separately from them with her husband.
That was just the beginning of the trauma in Samarpita’s life. If she fails to call her mom-in-law any day, the drama starts over the phone instantly. These gradually started exhausting Samarpita. She was born and brought up in a family where she witnessed balance in work and family life. Calling their parents every day to narrate their daily routine is something that Samarpita finds boring activity. A weekly call at weekends to chat with family is what she loves doing. But her MIL expected that Samarpita needed to mold her as per the expectations of the in-law’s family culture. Samarpita tried her best to cope with the demands, although she remained aware that things were not right on track.
During vacations, when both Sandipan and Samarpita visited their in-laws, the situations used to turn worse. Every time MIL attempted to make Samarpita realize that her luck was good, and she got a husband like her son. Expectations took a new height when she was asked not to be a part of family discussions and to follow what everyone said. Life turned a roller coaster ride for Samarpita, and even while visiting her parents, she used to get taunts over the phone for some reason or other. Her MIL used to dominate her and make her feel that she knew only the best about her son, and her son would do anything first for her and then for Samarpita.
Being an educated working girl, such activities and painful words started emotionally affecting her badly, but her only solace was her husband Sandipan. Sandipan tried all possible things, to establish peace and harmony between this Saas–Bahu duo. He was also not aware of this side of his mother’s character. Sandipan asked her mom several times about the issues she was facing with Samarpita. He also wished to know about her behavior towards Samarpita. But all he could hear was that Samarpita was a proudy and overambitious girl, with no respect for elders, a misfit for the family, and even responsible for the conflict between mother and son.
Sandipan’s father was watching all the melodrama happening in the family but preferred to stay aloof as he was well aware of the nature of Samarpita’s MIL. The emotional trauma affected Samarpita so badly that she started losing her temper on MIL and even faced depression. Once she shared her concern about MIL with her colleague Ritu, and she advised her to check her MIL’s relationship with her MIL.
After researching Sandipan’s grandmother’s background and after talking to Sandipan, she learned that his mother had a dominating MIL and that domination continued by his father. His father’s words used to be the last in the family. Sandipan’s mother never had the privilege to have something of her own choice, and her only solace was her kids. Her life centered around her kids, and after Sandipan’s sister’s marriage, he is the only person as her sole asset.
Samarpita understood that making an effort to change the behavior of her MIL was next to impossible for her, and it was affecting her emotions and well-being badly. Many times, she turned rude to Sandipan just because of the behavior of her MIL, but she also understood that she loved him madly. She was not ready to spoil her relationship with her husband because of MIL. Her analysis of her relationship with her MIL gave her the following findings:
1. Relationship issues in the life of my MIL were instigating her to create the same issues in his son’s and daughter-in-law’s life. A sense of jealousy was working at the back of her mind witnessing Samarpita’s happy life.
2. She wants to be the controlling lady in his son’s life like before, and she feels like losing importance by getting replaced by another woman, Samarpita.
3. Dislike towards Samarpita because she was her son’s choice and not her. She had many dreams about the perfect wife of his son that never matched Samarpita’s character and social status.
4. Despite being educated, she never got the chance or showed interest in pursuing a career of her choice and lacked the privilege and identity of a working woman that Samarpita is enjoying.
5. Resistant to the change in the family that is happening after Samarpita entered into the family.
6. Missing the importance, she used to get from her son after Samarpita entered into her son’s life.
7. In front of outsiders and relatives, she showers love on Samarpita. She praised her immensely in front of others to showcase a lovely bond with her son’s wife. Behind the curtain, her abusive words remain the same for Samarpita in an attempt to manipulate her son.
Samarpita and Sandipan remained friends for years before tying the knot. She thought to share her findings with her husband before taking any decision. Thankfully, her strong bond with her husband helped her overcome the mental agony to welcome emotional wellness in life.
The lady behind the name Samarpita is none other than me. Yes, it’s my story of survival and how I welcomed emotional wellness in my relationship with my MIL. I welcome emotional wellness in my life, but how? Again its investment of time, analyzing root cause of problem and peaceful discussion.
A. I started ignoring the comments of my MIL and stopped giving her the chance to take things further by maligning my character.
B. Whenever she questions any of my decisions in life, I calmly answer that I consulted her son before executing anything, even though I take my calls in life individually. That gave her the feeling that his son was aware of my activities.
C. Whenever I buy anything for her, I say it’s our joint choice for her. She feels good and valued in our lives. Although she knows the choices are mine, there is no harm in making her happy with such a simple gesture from my side.
D. I always mention that I am thankful to her for bringing up a gentleman like him to be my husband.
E. I don’t interfere in their family 3 people (FIL, MIL, and husband) discussion as I know where I stand and have my world with my husband with individual identity.
F. I cleared to her that my in-law’s place is her world, and I have no interest in interfering in her space. While I expect the same space and independence in my world with my husband.
H. I assured her that if she needed my help and presence, I would try my best to be with her (Subject to availability).
I. My self-respect is equally important as hers. We should talk minimally and avoid unwanted conflicts with each other to maintain peace and harmony in the relationship. I generally avoid her as much as possible for my mental peace.
J. I cleared that all expectations of her cannot be fulfilled by me. I have my preferences and limitations. Whatever is feasible with mutual discussion will be fulfilled by me.
K. We are two people with different perspectives in life. We should respect each other as individuals without being competitive.
L. I respect her as the mother of my husband. I also clarified that I expect the same respect from her being the wife of his son.
M. The most important thing, that I told her was that we both love the same man but in different ways. It’s our responsibility to ensure a harmonious atmosphere by maintaining wellness in our relationship.
Having an overbearing MIL proved to be challenging for me for several reasons. However, with my spouse’s support, I managed to maintain harmony while smartly interacting with her. Keeping in mind her painful past with her in-laws, I overlooked her criticisms with compassion. It helped to ensure that her presence in my life was not detrimental to me, and my overall family’s mental health.
I understood so far that maintaining emotional wellness is in our hands. One needs to remain vocal about the needs and expectations and value the same for other relations in life. Identifying the trigger points that are hampering your wellness is vital. Once you identify the triggers then working on it turns easy to bring wellness, peace, and harmony in your life and the relationships you hold. Emotional wellness is not a one-day journey but a ritual to practice by heart.
‘This post is a part of Truly Yours Holistic Emotions Blog Hop by Rakhi Jayashankar and Roma Gupta Sinha’
Samata, at first, I am in awe of your courageous nature to take a stand for yourself. It’s a great learning for all women. I am glad that you perceived the situations aptly and took the right decisions along with caring, valuing and supporting your elders. The way you have handled these situations, hats off to you for your perseverance. And really I learned a lot from your personal accounts because I am planning to start the new chapter of my life and your experience helped me to take a different perspective on life. Thanks for sharing these with us. Much love to you and more power to your future life.
Just last week we had a talk about the mother-in-law issues in Moms of Kochi. Some ladies were going through extreme levels of discrimination, wherein even after taking care of their ailing mothers-in-law, the ladies were left to hear taunts and allegations. But what we all agreed upon was that they were taking the brunt of the helplessness of an unhappy personal life. I loved how you have seen the aspects with different perspectives, I know how much you have shown resilence and that’s what makes you special.
Your article on maintaining emotional wellness in relationships is both insightful and relevant. It’s clear that emotional well-being is crucial in any relationship, and your tips and guidance provide valuable insights for fostering healthier and more harmonious connections. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful and practical advice!
Maintaining emotional wellness in relationships is key to building lasting connections. It’s all about communication, empathy, and understanding. This article provides valuable insights into nurturing healthy emotional bonds. Thanks for sharing
As I aged, It was easier to understand why Mothers-in-law behave the way they do. Sharing power does not come easy and the new entrant has to be careful about bruised egos and yet be able to communicate her needs. A tough line to tow and I am glad that you were able to do it. Thanks for sharing this practical approach, Samata.
West and East also make a difference my goodness! People need to realize that they are looking for someone to live with their son not to live maintaining their son. Gosh!
Perhaps I am one of the few lucky gals whose in-laws have been very supportive. Clear communication is the foundation of maintaining relationships, especially complicated ones like in-laws where everyone needs to adjust. Your post has so many insights and great tips on how to communicate openly and clearly. It can be applied to any relationship, not just in-laws. All relationships are complicated and issues are bound to happen. No matter how difficult a relationship is, if one side has the emotional maturity and is able to articulate and communicate well then, it helps in de-escalating issues and creates long-term bonding.
Samata, you are so fortunate that your spouse stood by you. I have never understood a mother’s obsession with her son. A child is an adult with different needs and the girl he chooses meets some of those needs and the parents need to be as graceful as the girl to accept. I find marriage a very difficult phenomenon to understand. It’s good that you have discovered the triggers and have found your coping mechanism. Hats off to you.
At every stage, life poses different challenges that need to be tackled with wisdom. I’m glad that your spouse stood by you and you were able to persuade your families for the marriage.
First and foremost, sending a warm hug your way for selecting this topic and for expressing your thoughts so honestly. These stories serve as a reminder that we’re not alone in facing these challenges, and I truly appreciate you sharing them with us.
I can relate to your experience When I tied the knot, I sensed that my in-laws weren’t too fond of me initially, maybe because I wasn’t their son’s choice and their thinking was old school. My husband was supportive, so no one dared to say anything negative to me. Even when people made comments, (not harsh though) I often remained silent and didn’t respond, although I had a reputation for being outspoken in my circle.
After 13 years, my sister-in-law pointed out that I never seemed to react to what others said, and I explained that I understood their remarks but chose not to confront my elders. Following that, they realized it was futile to say anything to me because it didn’t affect me.
Then, there was a moment when my sister-in-law was advising her daughter to become like me after marriage, but I interrupted and told her, “No, don’t be like me.” Always stand up for yourself and share your concerns with us if anything is bothering you.
I wasn’t their choice *
You addressed the topic most of us shy away from dear and I really value your prudence in dealing with your mother in law, I am in the same boat and understand the mental clutter such behavior causes, you are really being king to her and it is really awesome, in my case, I have embraced silence and try keeping to myself as much as I can because she is mother AFTER ALL.
Your deeply personal narratives of Monika and Raj, along with Samarpita and Sandipan, provide a heartfelt insight into the complexities and challenges faced within familial relationships, particularly during the transition into a new family. Your resilience and journey towards emotional wellness despite these difficulties are truly inspiring.
Your story of Monika and Raj showcases the struggle between two distinct family cultures and their quest for acceptance and understanding. Your emphasis on the power of communication, logic, and reality in family discussions highlights the importance of investing time and effort in nurturing relationships, especially when faced with societal and cultural differences.
Similarly, the account of Samarpita and Sandipan presents the challenge of managing relationships, particularly the delicate Saas-Bahu relationship, in the face of differing ideologies and expectations. Your measured approach in handling the situation by understanding the roots of conflict, focusing on the role of empathy, and establishing boundaries reflects a mature and pragmatic way to navigate emotional wellness.
The practical steps you’ve taken to maintain harmony in the face of an overbearing mother-in-law are commendable. Your emphasis on respectful communication, acknowledging individual spaces, and aiming for a peaceful coexistence reflects a balanced approach to manage and sustain emotional wellness within challenging family dynamics.
Your advice to identify trigger points that hinder emotional wellness and the importance of being vocal about needs and expectations resonates as practical advice for anyone navigating complex familial relationships. Your acknowledgment that emotional wellness is a continuous process rather than an overnight achievement is both insightful and realistic.
Your stories exemplify the power of patience, understanding, and deliberate efforts in nurturing relationships and maintaining emotional wellness within families. Thank you for sharing these compelling narratives and the invaluable lessons they hold for readers aiming to find balance and peace within their family relationships.
I can understand your situation having gone through something similar myself. I’m glad that you stood your ground and had a husband who supported your actions and had your back. An overbearing MIL can wreak havoc in a husband-wife relationship and create unnecessary friction. You did the right thing by keeping away where not needed and acknowledging what you could.
A very wellpenned emotional journey
It’s truly challenging to open up and share one’s life experiences. I salute you, dear Samata, and send you a warm and heartfelt embrace. Reading through all the blogs on this blog hop has been a deeply humbling and emotional journey. Your story resonates with me, evoking emotions and memories. Despite all the obstacles, you have emerged as a victorious survivor, and I’m at a loss for words to express my admiration for you. May you be blessed abundantly.
I loved your storytelling style. But I must say that in your stories the MILs were at least understanding at some point. But in reality, many women suffer because they have MILs who refuse to take in any advice from their DIL. Besides, the men in your story are also considerate and not biased towards the women (wife/mom) and hence an amicable solution was possible.
Your stories of resilience and emotional growth are truly inspiring. It’s heartwarming to see how you navigated through challenging family dynamics with wisdom, patience, and love. Your journey, both with Monika and Raj, and with the MIL thing, showcases the power of understanding, communication, and compassion in building emotional wellness. Your words offer valuable lessons for all of us on the path to maintaining harmony and well-being in our relationships. Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and touching experiences.
I can never understand a mother’s obsession with setting the ground rules of who is the boss. After marriage, the son’s priority would and should always be his wife and kids. You showed emotional maturity in tackling the issues with your MIL in a way that has worked for both of you.
This is a great post and indeed I also believe that we always have a solution for different situations we face. With resilience and patience one can find the best way possible. There is a need to understand that each individual has their own thought process so let the other person be what they are. Zero expectations and patience is a great healer and works wonders in any kind of relationship.
It’s inspiring to see how you’ve managed to navigate these challenges with grace and understanding. Your story gives hope to others facing similar situations, showing that with patience, open communication, and respect, even the most difficult relationships can find balance and harmony. Thank you for sharing your personal journey—it’s a reminder that emotional wellness is a journey worth investing in, and it’s within our power to create positive change in our lives and relationships. Much strength and love to you!
Samata it’s very brave of you to write about your family in this way, and it will certainly help others who also have overbearing and opinionated in-laws. I feel setting the boundaries early on is the most effective way to have a compatible relationship with your in-laws.
Sharing your story was certainly very brave of you. And I am glad that you did it so as to create awareness about emotional health.
Hugs to you !
Two very good examples of women undergoing emotional turmoil which makes people understand how and what to do. I’m glad that you came out with this so it can reach other people
I absolutely adore the facts you’ve mentioned about changing things with MIL I follow a bunch of the same things too and It has drastically changed our dynamic.
A wonderful assertive decision in a matrimonal life indeed. Very inspiring.
Your article on preserving emotional well-being in partnerships is important. It’s obvious that emotional health is important in relationships, and your advice and suggestions offer insightful advice for building stronger, more harmonious bonds. I appreciate you giving these useful instructions.
Samata it is such a heartfelt post. Reading about your struggles with your mother inlaw and her toxicity must have truly taken a toll on you. Your strength and courage helped you come out of it. I truly wish all the girls had such mental strength and energy to deal with such M-inlaws patiently. I have seen my sister struggle and to date struggling with her mother-in-law. This has taken such a bad toll on her that she is dealing with bad depression and various mental health issues.
An insightful article – kudos to taking the time to really think through and share the challenges through these stories and the questions are truly pertinent and insightful.
I have never been able to understand why women are sometimes other women’s enemies, but i live in eternal hope of someday seeing women of a family actually helping each other and being supportive.
Reading about Raj and Monika’s journey to overcome family opposition and unite in marriage was truly touching. Their determination to stand up for their love despite facing significant obstacles is inspiring.